Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Hug-deprived?

I'll admit it, I'm hug-deprived! That's where my dog, Rose steps in...always there to fill in the void! Here's an excerpt I wrote from 
Sunday, August 21
All We Need Is Love…
We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.
- Walter Anderson

     Aside from living my life as a single woman, with all of its pros and cons, for the most part, I can attest that I do love the freedom of being independent for the first time in my life. I'm free to come and go whenever I please. I make up each day as I go along. I'm spontaneous and open to anything that comes my way. For once, I feel like I am leading the authentic life I was meant to live.
     I do know that I'll never get married again. I’ve had enough hurt to last a lifetime and I know in my heart that marriage is not an option for me. Will I ever consider dating again? At this point in my life, no. But who knows what the future holds. If Mr. Right were to knock on my door, I just might let him in. Realistically, I do know that basing every man on my past experiences is not fair. There are plenty of good men out there. Or so I am told.  It'll take a while for me to cast my fears aside before I even consider looking. Besides, now that I am coming off of my treatments, I have to work hard on getting my body back and to regain my strength both mentally and physically.
     What I've been dealing with lately, is how much I find myself missing simple human touch. I'm a hugger by nature and I’m so hug-deprived that it’s been weighing heavily on my mind. For most of my life, I was a Pre-K teacher who got lots of daily hugs. I got hugs from my ex, my family and now due to my new surroundings, my huggies are missing in action.
     There are no moments of cuddling with someone on the couch at night. No one to share reading the paper with over Sunday brunch. Not being able to share deep discussions with someone. The playful hugs or kisses stolen while preparing a meal in the kitchen. No one to hold hands with while strolling downtown.
     I realize at night how much I miss the simple act of spooning in bed. The feel of another person’s arm wrapped around me, making me feel safe and loved. The feel of waking in the middle of the night to hold someone’s hand while they sleep, legs intertwined. I do not miss the snoring, but I do miss that physical closeness. 
     It’s strange how I've been on my own for a year and its finally hitting me. Believe me, I am not going to go out on a mission to become a serial hugger, but at least I'm learning to deal with these feelings as they arise. First things first. I have to continue to work on myself before I can even consider letting love in again.
Affirmation:  I am worth loving.
In the meantime, it's just me and Rose!






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